Tuesday, April 12, 2011

My blog!

I lost my blog today! My mom called and asked if I was working on my blog or something because the website wouldn't open for her. I was on my way home from school, so when I got home I tried typing in the url. Nothing! Only the blogger page telling me that this blog has been deleted.
Oh no.
Big problem. I have all my pictures on here! My entire journey through the beginning of the adoption process. Gone. (Lesson learned, I need to save my photos somewhere else safe online... any suggestions?)
I was racking my brain trying to figure out what I did to make blogger mad at me and delete my entire blog. I even read all of the fine print on the user agreement. ;o) I didn't break any rules. I am not really sure what happened.
I sent blogger an email and now the site is working again. ::sigh of relif::
I am very happy to not lose all of my information. But after freaking out all evening, I am too tired to write anything else right now. I still have photos of the wood floor to share. Oh, and the kids in my class told me today that I looked pretty. I want to remember that one (especially after last Wednesday when they told me I didn't look pretty).

Monday, April 11, 2011

Day two of posting every day...

I promise I won't title every day with a count of how long I have actually posted consecutively. Although, with my track record, it wouldn't last long anyway! I am just kidding. If I make my mind up to do it, I can post daily.

Today Sparky and I went out to the "new" house to check out the floor. My grandpa installed solid Bruce hardwood floors when he built the house. Apparently this was the best around at the time. Top dollar.(Which, if you knew my grandpa, is hard to believe. He was a young adult during the Great Depression.) However, this floor was impregnated with wax with the idea that all you had to do was re-wax it and buff it each year to get a nice shine. Well, I don't recall grandpa ever using a buffer. That, combined with the previous renter's cat peeing outside of the literbox, and the floor doesn't look so great.
My parents found someone that has gone out and sanded a couple of areas of the floor. He then used a water based sealant and a polyurethane based sealant (I think). Because the floor was impregnated with wax, it makes it difficult to sand down and refinish. Most sealants don't want to adhere to the waxy wood.
The guy did two test spots in the living room and two in the dining area. Both test spots look good. I keep going back and forth between the two options. One is very light and the other is a more rich color.
The light color would really open up the space, which is dark, since it is wrapped in aged logs and has a low ceiling. The rich color is just so much prettier!
I took pictures, but I will wait until tomorrow to post them in case nothing interesting happens tomorrow. :o)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

New Decisions

I have decided that I need to get back into the groove of posting on this blog. In order to facilitate that, I will be posting something every day. This may get ridiculously boring, as I don't have that much to say!

Fortunately for you few who actually stuck around my latest dry spell, Sparky and I are buying a new house! Well... new to us. So that should provide some "meat" for the blog in the absence of any adoption news.

Just to catch everyone up I will divide the next part into two sections. 1) Adoption info 2) House stuff.

1) Adoption Information:
Since I have been a little glum lately, partly because the family member mentioned before had a party to anounce the gender of her baby, (I will never be able to do that. Also, everyone there naturally began reminicing about thier pregnancies and babies. Every woman present was talking about when she found out the genders of her babies, how the sonograms went, delivery, etc. Just another reminder that not only will I never be able to have a party to anounce gener [if I wanted] I will also never be able to participate in those conversations. They are sure to come up at every baby shower or baby event for the rest of my life. I will just be that woman in the corner with no story.) I decided to call my agency to see how things are going.
They told us from the get go that we can call, preferrably no more often than once a month, to ask how many women have our profile (if any). I also know that they will only be able to tell me the current number of women that have our profile, not the number they have sent out total. The woman I talked to told me that one potential birthmom currently has our profile. She isn't due until fall, so it would be quite a wait still.
This is encouraging, although I have no idea how many other people's profiles she has. She could have a stack of 40 families to choose from.

2) House Stuff:
My grandpa built a log house in 1980ish. All. By. Himself. He didn't want any help. He did everything from laying each cinderblock in the basement, to puting on the roof, and everything in between. He was a tool and die maker, very organized, and a left brain thinker. All the pipes in the basement have a small manilla tag on them telling whomever it may concern where the pipe goes and what flows through it. My mom took off the faceplate for one of the light switches and inside he had tucked a diagram of where the wiring for the electricity went. He also made maps of the property and labeled every tree on the premesis.
Someone else in my family was going to buy this house, but changed their mind due to work.
This property really will be perfect for Sparky and I. It has much more room than our current townhouse and 5 acres of land to expand on!
My grandpa had the basement full of his metal tools, and now Sparky can fill it with his own! Or Sparky may claim the garage space. What is very convenient is that Grandpa wired the house with special 220 volt sockets for Sparky's welder (well, he wired it for his own welder, but Sparky's can now plug into it).
The house needs some renovations.
First of all, it barely has a kitchen to speak of. The "kitchen" is on one 10 foot wall with a fridge and a sink. No oven. No stove. My grandpa and grandma didn't cook so they had no need for an oven or stove. They just got a hotplate in case they wanted to make eggs or something.
To make a kitchen possible, my mom and dad knocked out a wall for me while I was at school Friday. I have measured and remeasured and remeasured everything and designed a new kitchen on Ikea's kitchen builder program. I like it a lot. :o)
The house also has the lack of a formal master suite. We are going to knock down a wall upstais between two bedrooms to make one large room. In this room we are going to add a bathroom.
This will leave a large closet (I mean really large), two bedrooms, and another small bathroom upstairs.
On the main floor we took out a wall that created a little laundry room/entry hallway between the front door and a storm door (to keep the heat from escaping the house). This really opened up the laundry and kitchen and feels so much larger. This room opens into a dining area and a small couch area. Down the hall is a full bathroom, a bedroom (becoming my craft room), a very large living room, and a fully enclosed porch.
The nice thing is we will be able to instal the new kitchen, renovate the downstairs bathroom, knock down the wall upstairs, and add the master bathroom before we move in!
Now, I just need to put my current house on the market. Anyone want to buy it?

Repost from February

Since everyone who reads this blog already knows, someone in my family is pregnant.


While I am genuinely happy for her, I am having a hard time being really happy for her all the time.

My purpose here is not to hurt anyone's feelings.

I started this blog to journal my thoughts in life. This is part of my life.

I realize, logically, that this person has every right to live her life as she sees fit. She does not need to consult me with any of her decisions and she can do what she wants. But going through infertility and moving on to adoption does not make me think rationally or logically.

I recognize and fully accept that I am illogical and a bit crazy here.

I think what hurts the most is she has been telling me for the last 6+ months that she doesn't want to have kids while in graduate school. Having a baby and studying for the exams would be ridiculous.

So when she told me, I was completely blind-sided. I think it would have been different if she had been honest with me and told me she wanted kids now.

I understand this is a personal decision and people don't like to share that information. But even saying nothing, or "we'll see when it happens" would have been better than telling me she was waiting. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20.

Really, if it were up to me, she would have waited until I had a match. Or even had the adoption final.

Obviously, it isn't up to me. And that is a selfish thought.

I feel like she is stealing my paper pregnancy. This was my time to have everyone excited for me and the baby we are getting. Now everyone is focused on her. No one is going to think about my adoption when her big belly walks in the door with a visible reminder of her coming baby.

Unless I wear a beach ball under my shirt. Which I may do.

I know my adoption time-line is full of averages. We are currently waiting 3-5 more weeks to get our typed homestudy in the mail so we can sign it and be officially waiting.

Once we are officially waiting, the average wait time is 9 to 10 months.

This is where everyone says, "Oh that's not long! That is like a regular pregnancy!"

Please don't tell me that. I have already been in this process since last July. Before that we were trying the "normal" way. So really, our journey to a baby began December 2009; our adoption journey began July 2010.

It is NOT like a pregnancy. I don't have any baby in my stomach with me during that time. I have nothing. (physically)

I began this process [adoption] last July. I have already been waiting 7 months. I should be "due" April. Nice teacher timing. Just in time for a maternity leave and summer break.

I know average means some people wait a shorter amount of time and some people wait a shorter amount of time. I could be matched and have a baby the day we go active... theoretically.

I am not being pessimistic. I know eventually we will have a baby. I have been preparing myself to wait at least 9-10 months before getting antsy because I know it is a reality in our situation.
It is possible, but not probable.

Again, I am just being realistic. (It would be much more detrimental to my mental well being if I were to start expecting an immediate match when we go active and then end up having a year long wait.)

I am really happy for her. I am happy she does not have to go through the horrific, soul-ripping, Satan-fueled existence that goes along with infertility.

I pray her baby is healthy and she has a smooth pregnancy.

I know that our babies will eventually get to play together and hopefully they will grow up being close.

I see this as God's way of teaching me to rely fully on Him.

I was doing a really good job not being too affected by friends and their pregnancies. The initial "punched in the gut" feeling would eventually fade away and I could feel joy for them. Pregnant people passing me really weren't too bad, and I was starting to think of the positives of not being pregnant myself.

No stretch marks, morning sickness, hemorrhoids, no ripping from one end to the other, no loss of bladder control, no extra fat to lose (just my current amount).

This has taken me 10 steps back.

My week started with a baby shower on Sunday. It ended up not happening because the soon-to-be-mother has the flu, but the decorations were out and the place was ready. Instead, my family member announced her pregnancy to family friends. Then there was another baby shower as soon as I walked into school Tuesday. Followed by my bible study with a very pregnant woman.

I think I had gotten to the point where none of this would have bothered me too much (minus the family member). Now it all sucks.

I just want to go to bed. And stay there. For nine months.

But from this I have learned some lessons:

I should not question God who is greater than I can fathom.

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,

or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?

Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,

or weighed the mountains on the scales

and the hills in a balance?

13 Who can fathom the Spirit of the LORD,

or instruct the LORD as his counselor?

14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,

and who taught him the right way?

Who was it that taught him knowledge,

or showed him the path of understanding? (Isaiah 40:12-14)

I have been making a baby my idol. I have spent far more of my mind, emotions, and time on thinking about our baby than I have been dedicating to God.

With whom, then, will you compare God?

To what image will you liken him? (Isaiah 40:18)

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. (Romans 1:20)

I have no more excuses. I need a shift in my thinking. It is going to be a lot harder to do than to say. Your mind is a hard thing to control.

But I know God is cares about me and will help me through this:

Why do you complain, Jacob [Sarah]?

Why do you say, Israel [Sarah],

“My way is hidden from the LORD;

my cause is disregarded by my God”?

28 Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength. (Isaiah 40:27-31a) {bold and name changes made by me}

I need to stop thinking of infertility as punishment by God. I didn't do anything to deserve the blessings I have received. It is only by God's grace that I have what I have.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.(Hebrews 11:1)

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. (Hebrews 11:6)

And I will leave you with a link for perspective.

The Julie Project Begin where the link takes you and read all the way to the present.

My life is wonderful compared with what I could be experiencing. I have a great, understanding husband. I have fabulous and supportive family and friends.

Ignoring my poor blog

I have been ingoring this place for a while. Since someone in my family got pregnant I have been fearful for posting anything at all. I don't want to rock the boat.
This has had disasterly results in my real life. Apparently I need to vent and if I don't get to do it here, then my emotions are right there on my sleeve.
Now that everyone on facebook knows the news... I can repost my deleted post from a while back. With some modifications. I am going to delete any identifying infomration to lead you to figure out who it is that is pregnant other than a family member. Considering I come from a Catholic family, that could be one of many people!