Sunday, April 10, 2011

Repost from February

Since everyone who reads this blog already knows, someone in my family is pregnant.


While I am genuinely happy for her, I am having a hard time being really happy for her all the time.

My purpose here is not to hurt anyone's feelings.

I started this blog to journal my thoughts in life. This is part of my life.

I realize, logically, that this person has every right to live her life as she sees fit. She does not need to consult me with any of her decisions and she can do what she wants. But going through infertility and moving on to adoption does not make me think rationally or logically.

I recognize and fully accept that I am illogical and a bit crazy here.

I think what hurts the most is she has been telling me for the last 6+ months that she doesn't want to have kids while in graduate school. Having a baby and studying for the exams would be ridiculous.

So when she told me, I was completely blind-sided. I think it would have been different if she had been honest with me and told me she wanted kids now.

I understand this is a personal decision and people don't like to share that information. But even saying nothing, or "we'll see when it happens" would have been better than telling me she was waiting. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20.

Really, if it were up to me, she would have waited until I had a match. Or even had the adoption final.

Obviously, it isn't up to me. And that is a selfish thought.

I feel like she is stealing my paper pregnancy. This was my time to have everyone excited for me and the baby we are getting. Now everyone is focused on her. No one is going to think about my adoption when her big belly walks in the door with a visible reminder of her coming baby.

Unless I wear a beach ball under my shirt. Which I may do.

I know my adoption time-line is full of averages. We are currently waiting 3-5 more weeks to get our typed homestudy in the mail so we can sign it and be officially waiting.

Once we are officially waiting, the average wait time is 9 to 10 months.

This is where everyone says, "Oh that's not long! That is like a regular pregnancy!"

Please don't tell me that. I have already been in this process since last July. Before that we were trying the "normal" way. So really, our journey to a baby began December 2009; our adoption journey began July 2010.

It is NOT like a pregnancy. I don't have any baby in my stomach with me during that time. I have nothing. (physically)

I began this process [adoption] last July. I have already been waiting 7 months. I should be "due" April. Nice teacher timing. Just in time for a maternity leave and summer break.

I know average means some people wait a shorter amount of time and some people wait a shorter amount of time. I could be matched and have a baby the day we go active... theoretically.

I am not being pessimistic. I know eventually we will have a baby. I have been preparing myself to wait at least 9-10 months before getting antsy because I know it is a reality in our situation.
It is possible, but not probable.

Again, I am just being realistic. (It would be much more detrimental to my mental well being if I were to start expecting an immediate match when we go active and then end up having a year long wait.)

I am really happy for her. I am happy she does not have to go through the horrific, soul-ripping, Satan-fueled existence that goes along with infertility.

I pray her baby is healthy and she has a smooth pregnancy.

I know that our babies will eventually get to play together and hopefully they will grow up being close.

I see this as God's way of teaching me to rely fully on Him.

I was doing a really good job not being too affected by friends and their pregnancies. The initial "punched in the gut" feeling would eventually fade away and I could feel joy for them. Pregnant people passing me really weren't too bad, and I was starting to think of the positives of not being pregnant myself.

No stretch marks, morning sickness, hemorrhoids, no ripping from one end to the other, no loss of bladder control, no extra fat to lose (just my current amount).

This has taken me 10 steps back.

My week started with a baby shower on Sunday. It ended up not happening because the soon-to-be-mother has the flu, but the decorations were out and the place was ready. Instead, my family member announced her pregnancy to family friends. Then there was another baby shower as soon as I walked into school Tuesday. Followed by my bible study with a very pregnant woman.

I think I had gotten to the point where none of this would have bothered me too much (minus the family member). Now it all sucks.

I just want to go to bed. And stay there. For nine months.

But from this I have learned some lessons:

I should not question God who is greater than I can fathom.

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,

or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?

Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,

or weighed the mountains on the scales

and the hills in a balance?

13 Who can fathom the Spirit of the LORD,

or instruct the LORD as his counselor?

14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,

and who taught him the right way?

Who was it that taught him knowledge,

or showed him the path of understanding? (Isaiah 40:12-14)

I have been making a baby my idol. I have spent far more of my mind, emotions, and time on thinking about our baby than I have been dedicating to God.

With whom, then, will you compare God?

To what image will you liken him? (Isaiah 40:18)

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. (Romans 1:20)

I have no more excuses. I need a shift in my thinking. It is going to be a lot harder to do than to say. Your mind is a hard thing to control.

But I know God is cares about me and will help me through this:

Why do you complain, Jacob [Sarah]?

Why do you say, Israel [Sarah],

“My way is hidden from the LORD;

my cause is disregarded by my God”?

28 Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength. (Isaiah 40:27-31a) {bold and name changes made by me}

I need to stop thinking of infertility as punishment by God. I didn't do anything to deserve the blessings I have received. It is only by God's grace that I have what I have.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.(Hebrews 11:1)

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. (Hebrews 11:6)

And I will leave you with a link for perspective.

The Julie Project Begin where the link takes you and read all the way to the present.

My life is wonderful compared with what I could be experiencing. I have a great, understanding husband. I have fabulous and supportive family and friends.

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