Sunday, November 21, 2010


I know this isn't anything new... I just really wanted to try out the "share" feature from Shutterfly to see if it worked! Also, rumor has it that Shutterfly is offering 50 free holiday card prints to people with blogs and I wanted them to know I have a blog so I can get free Christmas cards. He, he, he.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


I am really restless right now. I am just really tired of waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
I decided definitively to go with adoption in July after trying infertility "treatments" for one month and coming to the realization that my body just cannot handle hormones like normal people. At least, my body cannot handle  hormones in a way that allows me to be around people. Small detail.Considering the fact that I need my husband around to raise my future children, and I enjoy having friends, I should not do something to run them all off.
Since then I have cleaned out our guest room, decorated, gotten furniture, stocked up on cloth diapers, researched the wazoo out of infant products, and everything else I could possibly think to do to pass the time.
I have been waiting around for four months.
And so far I have only been waiting to meet the agency. I haven't even met the people I plan on signing with. I have been waiting for two months since contacting the agency, just to get an appointment for an informational meeting.
Then I get to wait to officially sign with them.
Then wait for them to begin the homestudy.
Then wait for the homestudy write up to be complete.
Then wait for our profile to go active.
Then wait for someone to pick us.
Then wait for them to deliver.

ARUGH!!!!! I think I am just really antsy right now because of the impending holidays. For some reason just having my husband and I doesn't feel like a family. Don't get me wrong. I love him and cannot imagine my life without him, we just aren't complete yet. With Sparky we are just a couple. With a child we will become a family. I know this is just in my head. There are plenty of people around the world who have chosen to be childless on purpose (I can't imagine why) and I am sure they feel like their families are complete.
With children you can start traditions for holidays, continue favorite traditions, share the joy you experienced growing up with your own family. Right now I just feel like I am in limbo. I have read books and thought about what traditions to continue and what traditions I would like to add. I have even prepared things to be ready for new family traditions... and I am going to force share these with Sparky this year as each holiday approaches, but it isn't the same.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Great Posts

I am a member of The Bump's Adoption Message Board. I love it there. Everyone is so nice and supportive since most of them have been through infertility and have experienced the same things.
Someone posted a great message and it just so summed up what I feel sometimes that I decided to just re-post bits and pieces here.

sillygirlio started it all:
"DH and I were ttc for four years and recently went on a "break" that could prove to be the end of the TTC road for us.  Adoption may be in our future, but we're not sure... I need some time to heal, and I still have dreams of a bio child.
Anyway, I'm suffering from a tremendous sense of loss and I'm struggling with what to do with these feelings.  I have tried to reach out to a few friends IRL (almost everyone knows about our IF) to tell them about how I'm mourning our "baby" which would be 3 now if we'd conceived it when we started ttc (like most normal couple do) and they've pretty much all come back with something about how I have nothing to mourn because I was never pregnant to begin with, and I need to get over it.
Now I'm struggling with this because my friend (who has had 4 easily achieved pregs and three lovely children... one PG eneded in a loss) is acting as though I've never lost anything and that SHE'S the one who has the market cornered on pain because of her miscarraige.
It's to the point where I almost wish I had had a loss (this is the part that is flamable.  I don't actually wish to have a miscarraige... and I know this is a horrible thing to say, and I'm sorry to all the women reading this who have had to suffer through that... but it's the way I feel right now) so that someone would take my pain seriously!  When my friend had her loss people sent flowers and cards and mourned with her... but I feel like I'm mourning alone."

The lady below pretty much just sucked the words right from my head! This is how I feel.

mcmann05: "Some days I see multiple pg women and it all comes flooding back that it will never be me! My difference between most women grieving this loss is that I grieve the actual pregnancy feelings and not the biological child, if that makes sense. I don't "need" to have a biological child but I feel like I'm being cheated out of some "normal" life expectancies of feeling my child kick me, having my belly grown, having DH feel the kicks, labor, maternity pictures, etc etc etc!"

More waiting.

Le said in her last email that I could call with my credit card information to sign up for the November adoption seminar.
I was excited.
I wrote it on the calendar.
I let my cousin know the date so we can hang out afterward.
Then I called to give my info. Guess what! The head woman decided to make the November and December classes smaller than normal so instead of allowing 14 couples to attend they are only allowing 8 couples. So that means the November session is now full even though I was told I could go. And I have (yet another) month long wait before the December session.
I suppose I am grateful that I don't have to wait until January due to the small class size. But I am rather annoyed. If the class is capable of holding 14 people, why not allow 14? What is the point in making me wait another month?
Ugh. Anyway, December 15th you know where I will be!