Thursday, November 18, 2010

Restless

I am really restless right now. I am just really tired of waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
I decided definitively to go with adoption in July after trying infertility "treatments" for one month and coming to the realization that my body just cannot handle hormones like normal people. At least, my body cannot handle  hormones in a way that allows me to be around people. Small detail.Considering the fact that I need my husband around to raise my future children, and I enjoy having friends, I should not do something to run them all off.
Since then I have cleaned out our guest room, decorated, gotten furniture, stocked up on cloth diapers, researched the wazoo out of infant products, and everything else I could possibly think to do to pass the time.
I have been waiting around for four months.
And so far I have only been waiting to meet the agency. I haven't even met the people I plan on signing with. I have been waiting for two months since contacting the agency, just to get an appointment for an informational meeting.
Then I get to wait to officially sign with them.
Then wait for them to begin the homestudy.
Then wait for the homestudy write up to be complete.
Then wait for our profile to go active.
Then wait for someone to pick us.
Then wait for them to deliver.

ARUGH!!!!! I think I am just really antsy right now because of the impending holidays. For some reason just having my husband and I doesn't feel like a family. Don't get me wrong. I love him and cannot imagine my life without him, we just aren't complete yet. With Sparky we are just a couple. With a child we will become a family. I know this is just in my head. There are plenty of people around the world who have chosen to be childless on purpose (I can't imagine why) and I am sure they feel like their families are complete.
With children you can start traditions for holidays, continue favorite traditions, share the joy you experienced growing up with your own family. Right now I just feel like I am in limbo. I have read books and thought about what traditions to continue and what traditions I would like to add. I have even prepared things to be ready for new family traditions... and I am going to force share these with Sparky this year as each holiday approaches, but it isn't the same.

2 comments:

giftofthemoment said...

Ahh, that wonderful limbo time. For me, the not being able to control anything is what made me feel so edgy and crazy. Only if you have done this type of waiting do you "get it" - the frustration, the anxiety, the emotional fatigue. There are no words that I can say that will take any of that away. Just remember that you have put this all into God's hands. Our all knowing, all loving God does not put desires into our hearts for no purpose. His timing is also perfect. God knows that there will be a child who needs the mother you are being molded to be. A mother that will understand heartache and grief and guide that child through the morass of adoption emotions. A mother who is a strong woman, willing to let God lead her life. You and Sparky are a family. Don't ever forget that. It was a lesson that I had to learn - I am a slow learner and it took me a long time to get that particular lesson into my head. But you are a family. You are establishing traditions that you will pass on to this special person that will join your family. And you know what - no matter how many traditions you think you have right now - they all go out the window when the reality of that child is there. The girls have established our traditions - things that I never dreamed would become part of our lives and are so different than anything I ever imagined.

Karin said...

It will happen Sarah. Have faith. Remember it took us 6 years to have our first and now.....well you have seen my chaotic house!