Tuesday, February 9, 2010

tough

I just need to take a minute without my sarcasm. I am having a really hard time not being pregnant. I know I haven't been trying very long and these things take time...but every month that goes by feels like my chances for success get smaller and smaller. It feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest. I have wanted to be a mom more than anything for as long as I can remember. Everyone who knew me growing up knew Baby Sarah, my baby doll. She was my practice. I even secured her in the car with a seat belt or makeshift car seat when we went places.
I think what really kills me is that there are people all around me with babies who don't appreciate what they have. I have a cousin who is 19 and just got his girlfriend pregnant. Great. They can't even afford to move out of their parents' houses and are having a little boy, while I am married with a job but cant have a baby. My sister's neighbor was in tears when she found out she was pregnant. Wonderful. Give the baby to me.
I try to remind myself that everything happens in God's timing and that someday, even if it has to be through adoption, I will have a child of my own. But until then, I am feeling a pain that cannot be described to anyone that hasn't been through this themselves. I am afraid what my reaction will be when other people I know who are trying to get pregnant succeed. I know I will be happy for them, but my initial reaction feels like I am being punched in the stomach. Like the one thing that I want more than anything in the world, they get. I just get to watch.

3 comments:

Hootie said...

Keep your head up! I tried for several years and remember that monthly pain. We had been married 5 years before it happened. I have a brother and sister in-law who tried for 16 years (and tried everything under the sun too) before they got pg. They even adopted 8 years before and had given up the thoughts of having their own! :)

IMHO you'll make a great mom. But in the mean time, I'd gladly share my 15 year old daughter with you! jk. She's much nicer to others than she is to me...I hear it's a teenage girl stage they go through.

My advise is this; Practice, practice, practice, but relax and have fun!!!

lighthousegal said...

Ah, Sis, you made me cry on this one. I was hoping no one else in the family ever had to go through what we had to go through - the heartache, the tears, the anger, the monthly ups and downs. All the things that people say that are supposed to help that actually end up causing more pain. All the advice that people offer - relax, it will happen when it is supposed to, try this, try that. You have it right - ultimately it is up to God's timing. That does not mean that there is not emotional pain, it does not make the longing any less intense. The one thing I would like to pass on to you that took me about 12 years to learn - God is teaching you something right now. You may not know exactly what that is, but there IS something that you are learning at this moment in time that will help you be a better mother to your child - however that child enters your life. If you need to scream, if you need to talk, if you just need to sit on the couch and watch sappy movies, call me. I am one of those people who have lived it and have survived, and do understand. When you need to survive a baby shower, let me know. The one thing I asked everyone around me was to come to me and tell me to my face that they were pregnant. I was always so happy for them, but my voice would not always reflect that. But my hugs would. Somehow, seeing that person's joy at the beginning of the pregancy left me with happiness and took away some of the anger. There is so much I wish I could tell you, but some of it I will only share if you want to know and you ask, because only you know where you are emotionally. I love you so much - we have always been so much alike. I just wish we were not alike in this. I am praying for your peace.

Tara said...

Hey Sarah, I just got your email about my sewing machine...I hope you got my response. I wanted to check out blog to see if you had contact info here and I read your most recent post. I'm very sympathetic to this subject. My husband and I spent a year and half trying to get pregnant. I too had friends and family all around me getting pregnant and my heart grew harder and harder each month. When my husband & I were at around month 6 a friend suggested I look into adoption. My best friend has adopted, several of my friends from college and from my hometown have adopted and I have 2 cousins who are adopted...I should not have seen a problem in this friends suggestion to adopt but I started sobbing because I wanted to have a baby, not adopt. One year later I came to the conclusion that if I were still not pregnant by the time I turned 30 years old, then we would begin the paperwork for an adoption from China (both parents have to be atleast 30 years old to adopt)...the next month I was pregnant with my daughter. I promise that one day, whether you conceive or adopt, you'll look back and realize that your precious baby is worth all the negative pregnancy tests. There is a verse in Psalms that says God will grant you the desires of your heart. I believe that God places those desires in our hearts to prepare us for the treasures He's going to send our way & that he already knows how many hairs will be on your precious baby's head. You're in my thoughts and prayers!

If you didn't get my response about sewing stuff please email me at taramccarty1978@gmail.com.