Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Bah Humbug

Well, on the bright side, my foot feels better. I can walk on it today like a normal person, so at least I don't have to worry about that anymore.
Back to my bah humbug. My school district originally RIFed about 125ish teachers this year. We had 45 or so teachers volunteer to retire (thanks to a kinda-lovely retirement incentive). The school people decided they would call back some of the teachers they originally RIFed. I think I am pretty high on the call back list considering I have three years experience, and I have an additional degree in Reading. Well... everyone in my building got called back today (and told they got to stay in our building) except me. I guess I won't be getting that embroidery machine I picked out.
That sucks, but I can live with it because I wasn't expecting to hear anything until about August when next school year begins anyway. Perhaps I will work at Starbucks, I hear they have good benefits... and I love coffee.
What really got me revved up today was a lovely announcement at our staff meeting (right before I was told I didn't have a job). One of our 6th grade teachers is pregnant. Don't get me wrong, she is very nice and I am sure she will make a wonderful mother. But in the land of infertility, it really doesn't matter. Oh did I mention, another teacher who just got married a month after me is also pregnant (heard through the grapevine). And we are all guessing that another teacher is pregnant due to a suspicious bump.
LOGICALLY I know that no one gets pregnant just to shove it in my face that I cannot. I also know they plan these things and maybe even tried for longer than one month (insert eye roll). But LOGIC is leaves me as soon as I hear anything pregnancy or baby related.
All I feel is like a failure.
My body has failed me and I am failing as a woman.
I want nothing more in the world than to have children.
They are my driving force.
That is why I became a teacher.
I was meant to have children. All of my negative characteristics leave me when I am around them. It is very strange but true. I have nearly infinite patience (compared to the amount I have with adults).
I am looking forward to morning sickness. To a baby keeping me up all night crying. I will gladly give up ever sleeping in again, fitting into my clothes, or having any alone time.

I think what may be the hardest about this is that I don't have anyone here IRL who knows what I am going through. Sparky is very supportive, as are my friends. But unless you have experienced this yourself, known that without medical intervention (and maybe even with) you will not get pregnant, you just cannot relate. I think if I hear one more person say, "It just takes time. Not all people get pregnant in the first couple of months." I may poke their eyes out. I know it takes time. But I have charted and kept track of SIX cycles now. I have endometriosis and a short luteal phase.
So until my next doctor's appointment, I just would like everyone else to stop procreating and getting knocked up! I don't think that is asking too much. ;o)

2 comments:

lighthousegal said...

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
There are no words, just a lot of love for you.

lighthousegal said...

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
There are no words, just a lot of love for you.