Saturday, May 22, 2010

I just read...

It was great. I read it in a day. I downloaded it for free from Barnes and Noble the other day (apparently I just got lucky because it was only free for one day). I began reading Angie's blog a looooong time ago. Well, not that long. She hasn't been writing it for that long, but for a while now. Her story was sad, inspiring, and uplifting at the same time. Her husband sings in the Christian band Selah.
I got it just because I had been reading her blog for so long. I thought I would read a sad story and be uplifted, like reading her blog. I was wrong. It was so much more. Reading about the loss she experienced with her sweet little Audrey was like reading about the suffering and loss those with infertility struggle with. Hers was much worse (I am guessing) because she had this actual life inside her moving around and growing. She knew her baby was not going to live, but she still carried her to full term. She had to explain, over and over again, that she was having a little girl but she was not going to live here with us on earth. I cannot imagine being forced to endure that pain daily due to the outward sign of her pregnancy. Those of us with infertility can just walk around and never be obviously bothered. At least I have never had anyone walk up to me and ask me why I was not pregnant. It may hurt me to see different things, but the rest of the world doesn't know.

Anyway, I was able to relate to a lot of what she talked about in the book.
Also, apparently she has always struggled with horrible anxiety. As you know, if you read here regularly, I have depression. Anxiety and depression are old pals from the army. They go hand-in-hand and cause many of the same problems and have similar symptoms (at least I think they do). I have recently struggled with what depression really is. Is it the devil (I feel silly even saying the name "devil") attacking my spirit? It sure feels like it. I have noticed in the past year that when I am having a horrible "episode" if I pray to God, it goes away. I am not sure why this would happen if it was not somehow related. I tried it once out of desperation. The depressed feeling was closing in on me and there was no way out so I just begged God to make it go away. And He did. Now, I pray before it gets that far. Angie put it best here:
I can feel my fingers getting numb, my vision getting hazy, my breathing quicken; and I know it is upon me. But I believe now, years later, that this voice has a name, and he lurks in the shadows, waiting to devour. I feel that I have been in the midst of spiritual warfare as I have walked this path, and I have constantly had to silence the enemy with the only word that can. I utter the name of Jesus as I get into bed, as I cry in the night, as I sense the evil that Satan has tempted me to believe (p. 189-190).
I think I have said so before, but I really feel silly even mentioning Satan. I feel like I am in Harry Potter and I am mentioning He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named (Voldemort). I am far more comfortable mentioning Voldemort's name than the name of the fallen angel (do you like how I evaded his name there?). Anyway, spiritual warfare is mentioned in the Bible and I believe that the Bible is true, therefore there must be spiritual warfare. I just don't ever hear people talk about it. If Satan was even there tempting Jesus, who was God Himself, how much more is he going to tempt the rest of us little peons? Hmmm....

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